A Biased Guide to the Cinema of the Future: Films You Should be Aware of on the Near Horizon!!!

Handily categorised for easy reference. I’m supposed to be re-watching Gladiator and HBO Rome for my Classics final tomorrow... but I’m thinking about other movies instead.

Class A – Dying to See ASAP Because These Will Make Your Life:
1. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, directed by Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz). Because the Scott Pilgrim series of comics is incredibly awesome (and you should trust my judgement, because I know so much about comics) (seriously though. It’s awesome.). Because Edgar Wright is a genius. Because Michael Cera is Scott Pilgrim and I haven’t quite gotten sick of him yet, and because Jason Schwartzman is one of the evil ex-boyfriends.
Quick Premise: “Scott Pilgrim likes the new girl in town, Ramona Flowers, but to win her heart, he has to defeat her seven evil ex-boyfriends. Seven! Evil! Ex! Boyfriends! Lucas has muscles! Todd plays bass with his psychic powers! The Twins are twins! Matthew Patel is an Indian guy! AND MORE!"
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
2. The Hobbit, directed by Guillermo del Toro (The Devil’s Backbone, Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth). Need I say any more?? (OK fine – Sir Ian. There, I said it.)
3. Black Swan, directed by Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain, The Wrestler). Starring Natalie Portman, Winona Ryder, Mila Kunis. Mysterious and suspenseful story of rival ballet dancers who might be a) imaginary and b) lesbian. What’s not to like? And if Darren Aronofsky goes one step further and directs an adaptation of Charles Burns’s Black Hole as his next project... life would be good. Right, Rachel?

4. The World’s End, directed by Edgar Wright (again. I will watch everything he makes.). The final chapter in the Blood and Ice Cream Trilogy by Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost. Can the dynamic trio live up to the mad brilliance of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz (which I will forever be obsessed with and quote compulsively – unfortunately a lot of it is vulgar so people often think I’m being inexplicably rude)? Only time will tell, but I’m thinking, YEAH MOTHERFUCKER.
5. Cemetery Junction, directed by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. Starring Ralph Fiennes. Wikipedia says, “According to Gervais, it is a "coming of age" story that is a cross between The Office and Mad Men.” To which I say, “Bring it ON.” ("trailer")

Class B - Anticipated Eagerly Until Something Somewhere Went Bad, But Please, Go Ahead, Prove Me Wrong:
1. Mr. Nobody, starring Jared Leto. Immediately arresting premise: The last mortal man in a society of immortals. Seems to be a serious and artsy contemplation of the nature of choice and possibility. All these pseudo-philosophical ventures can go wildly, wildly wrong, and this may be undue pessimism but I smell... pretentious. The trailer reminds me of Benjamin Button, not a good thing really, and they totally ripped off that I-love-you-hair-rising-on-skin shot from The Fountain.
2. Alice in Wonderland. I feel blasphemous and unholy. And the trailer looked pretty promising. But frankly at this point I’m just scared. Scared! Of the inevitable Burton-backlash (poor man should never have started out so strong in those early ‘90s). Scared of the steadily waning interest and public goodwill that ebbs away with every Depp-Burton collaboration.
3. Clash of the Titans. Loved the original, love the idea of Ralph Fiennes as Hades... not impressed by the CGI-extravaganza trailer, which looks like every other fantasy/action movie ever made, and I have absolutely zero feelings towards Sam Worthington. Zero. The man just leaves me cold. Why is that, I wonder?
4. The Vintner’s Luck. Sounded great on paper – 19th century French winemaker talks to an angelic Gaspard Ulliel in his garden, based on an acclaimed book that I am going to read when I get home... but apparently it blows. Pity! What a waste of the Ulliel. (Trailer)

Class C – No, No, No.
1. Sherlock Holmes. Ugh. As much as I wish I could be the kind of open-minded, generous movie-goer who can abandon freely the ghost of original texts... I can't. I cannot handle this. Plus, Jude Law... I have already documented at length my deep-seated resentment of him. Hahaha.
2. Death at a Funeral (The American Remake). Puh-leaseeee. I don’t care if James Marsden is in it. If this is in any way comparable to the original I will... run around in the nude on a rooftop during a funeral service. Hah!
3. Skellig. All past and future reimaginings of this book. Don’t touch that book; it is precious and perfect and not to be fucked around with. Except maybe by Guillermo del Toro. Even then... meh.

Yeah?