It’s really not easy or fun to live in 2 countries at once. In the papers today they had that article about the Resident Tourist comics, and I went and read them, and they bloody hit home. I relate to a tragic amount of what this guy writes. (And anyone who begins a volume of comics with himself playing Kid A and Thom Yorke sitting next to him singing “Everything in its Right Place” in the car, is worth reading in my book.) I’ve been sort of paralysed in this weird state of melancholy inertia and malaise for a while, and I’ve finally figured out that it’s because I have been feeling like a Resident Tourist, myself. It’s been my constant state of being this year.
Specifically: I find myself unable to commit to anything as much as I want to, both here and in LA, despite my best intentions. I get nervous and uncomfortable and I have trouble thinking of what to say. I don’t really understand a lot of things anymore because there’s always that horribly present gulf. My freaking accent occasionally goes haywire and tastes like rubber on my tongue. Childish shit that I am, I have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that people and places move on even though I’m not around; for a while I felt vaguely betrayed that everything had the nerve to, yknow, grow and change. And it’s frustrating to know that there’s nothing I can do about this gradual divorce from my own home.
On top of everything, National Day depresses me because I always find the parade so laughable and I would love to NOT find it laughable, really I want nothing more, but I can’t just NOT. It just IS. And then I think about how much I can consider myself a Singaporean now, which immediately brings up the question of how much I could’ve ever considered myself a “Singaporean”, to which there is no real objective answer.
I would like to feel whole and of one definite place. I suppose it’s only gonna get worse with every year, and then after college I’ll have to choose between countries. I honestly can’t see myself working in this Singapore environment (this is gonna sound so idiotic but whenever I consider that I actually physically feel my throat constrict and picture huge grey skyscrapers caving in on me; sounds like I need a psychiatrist; ignore my ridiculous oversimplifying neurosis) but I can’t imagine giving up, well, basically my whole life. ‘Cause if there’s anything I’ve learned, so much of these things, relationships, life, is absolutely situational, and as much as I’d like to be able to overcome distance and time and... absence... I can’t.
ANYWAY ON A LIGHTER NOTE, how hilarious were those power ranger outfits on the poor NS boys? Made them look like they were 12! Also the Guinness Book of Records thing (sorry, Huimin? This one wasn't at Sengkang) - "They are setting the record... for uh... the largest number of people... to carry pink balloons on sticks... that are printed with the flag... of Singapore..."
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omg kelly. i love Resident Tourist. it makes me feel like crying at the most random parts just because its so, so true.
ReplyDeleteand yeah random powerranger outfits made me laugh. i go to national day every year, and when i was younger i used to think it was boring and lame and cheesy. but i remember standing up during the fireworks of the national day last year, and the only thing running through my head was "i can't imagine NOT being here", and i wanted to cry.
but this year, after being away for a year, and finally being back home for a decent amount of time, no doubt feeling the same sort of discomfiting displacement that you have been, going about the routine of national day was oddly comforting. it was sort of unreal, sitting in the VIP stands, watching all these strangers scream their lungs out and have a great time for just, well, being Singaporean.
Kelly - i know exactly what you mean by feeling unable to ever commit to anything be it here, or in the UK. i just feel, wherever i go, i'm always getting ready to leave.
Thanks to you Kelly I am glad I started reading the Resident Tourist I can't wait to finish Volume 3. I think it's going to take me another year to really, really come to terms of living two lives. Right now, I feel like my life in London was a dream. After five weeks of being at home, I feel right at home and I don't want to leave but yet I am excited about going back to London. It's such an emotional dilemma that I guess I will feel every single I come Home. And seeing Changi airport whenever we touch down always, always makes me so happy. I can't wait to have that feeling again in December.
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